the beautiful death ....

No one has ever described the beauty of death ,

Coz its beautiful , and  no one will share it .

It is so beautiful , that if you experience it

and still live after that , you wouldn’t be ‘alive’  .

The Beautiful death ….

Standing on the edge of the cliff I gazed at the enormousness of the sea , the blue water  extended to infinity , the clouds made some strange and some familiar  patterns , a few of them looked like sheeps , grazing on the skied blue grass .The clean sand of  beach glittered like gold and the tall coconut palms growing by the sides , majestically swaying with the winds , still waiving hands to the ship that had passed centuries back  .

The sun was hiding behind a cloud , like a kid would ,  behind its mother , when a stranger comes to visit  . It would peep once and then hide again still unsure of the stranger .
He felt safe behind the clouds , I felt , today , it was me who scared him , for him , I was the stranger visiting his heavenly abode ..

The frequency of the waves on the rocks pictured their  love for each other , the waves and rocks had their own fights , like a couple fighting in love , wherein an old man stands stubbornly with folded hands bearing the wrath of his old lady , bearing all the words she throws on him , he stands , and looks more determined with every clash , with time he has learned , she will calm down and come  smiling to him again .

The open sea looked calm inside , seemed like it was the part , that had seen life , its experience stopped  from rushing into things , it had developed the ability to wait , it had patience , but the shore was different , it was still a kid , it wanted to run to every thing it would see , like a small child who would run into strange things hoping cotton candies ,  pick up anything out of its curiosity , and try to taste it , and the calm inside of the sea watched  the shore and its puny games , smiling yet careful , like a father would , to his child .

The grass and weed i stood on , made me feel so comfortable , that I had closed my eyes , I had lost the reason why I had climbed all the way to the top , the breeze that was flowing on the top of the cliff carried the aroma of the sea and of the forest that stood behind me .

It was a sight , it was the best thing i could have ever witnessed , everything else would seem drab after this sight , I realized HE wanted me to see something beautiful before I bid adieu to myself.

I opened my eyes , I had absorbed all the beauty inside me , all that HE wanted to offer me .

There was a part of me that was constantly asking me to return back , but I didn’t want   to , I wanted to end it..and this was the perfect way to end my not so perfect life .

The picture had changed drastically now ,

I realized the sun wasn’t hiding coz it was scared of me ……. it was scared of what it was about  to witness , it was hiding behind the cloud coz it didn’t want to see  , what was about to happen.

The waves on the shores were not curious . They were restless for me , they wanted me to rethink  , they were restless coz they wanted to tell something .

The sea inside wasn’t  calm ,it was sad , coz it knew it would not be able to tell what it wanted to , it had seen others do the same before , it was sad it couldn’t close its eyes .

The rocks stood there coz they wanted to protect me ,  they wanted to catch me , when I fall and the waves that hit  , only wanted to make the rocks softer with every blow , they were all trying their best to keep me alive , they knew everything gets better with time , they wanted to tell me that …….

I closed my eyes again , opened up my arms  like a bird ready to fly  , lift myself off the cliff , and let myself fall into the depths .

I was in the air , I could fell every moment , I was flying like a bird , gliding like a leaf that parts off a tree , I was smiling , the birds had joined me , smiling at me , they followed my flight , they had forgotten their first flight , but I had helped them relive it again .

the sun had come out of the clouds , the rocks were looking up , the waves had slowed down , the water in the sea glittered with a smile .

Its was pretty much the same excitement when i had learned to ride a bicycle, first time without any support , that smallest of distance had become an achievement , i had fallen after some tireless peddling , but i remember getting up with a smiling face , full of joy inside , as if  i  wasn't  riding a cycle , but , gliding in the free air .

The air below me was trying to push me up , it wanted me to fly , I realized nature is so kind hearted , so beautiful and so caring that it is not bound by any law , it just does what it wants

.

The air was trying to raise me , for a moment , I felt I was raised , but that moment was short lived , only the air pushing me could ‘ve felt it .

My heart had started pounding faster and faster , pretty much , in the same way when we have nightmares , only here , I was not going to get up , i was nearing the rocks , the moment was about to end .

I wanted a happy ending , I wanted a beautiful death , I wanted to welcome my death like no one had before , i wanted to surprise it with my love that i shared for her , i wanted to meet her with  bravery not scared and crying .

So , I closed my eyes , I kept them closed for a couple of moments …….. till they opened painlessly and without effort ………… till they opened on their own again .

the legacy of darkness .. .. ..

Fortune, fame
Mirror vain
Gone insane
But the memory remain... ..

(METALLICA )

LEGACY OF DARKNESS

“does music play in your brains all the time “ , he asked , I turned to my left , looked at him , surprised , for it was not a question I expected from him in the middle of CPR’s class , “sometimes , when I want to “ I replied keeping my eyes on the notes , hoping he wouldn’t catch us talking in the middle of his lecture . He didn’t say anything after that , he usually doesn’t , doesn’t let people know about his internal conflicts . Well , not to everyone .

It had been 2 months legacy had last played , and the signs of weariness from the last band meeting were still visible on his face. As CPR explained the process of ionic cell implantation  , eyes on the board , pen in the hand scribbling circles , I was already lost  in the night  , when I saw them cry , the night when I  saw them together for the last time.

“ Dad called . “ , “ they want me to come back .”, declared Bakri , keeping his eyes on the ground , he didn’t have the courage to look into their eyes .

There was silence in the room , everyone was looking at him , trying to figure a way out in their brains , “I think it’s over “ , “I think its all over “ he looked up , relieved of the weight he was carrying inside him .

My eyes took me to Jit , he shrugged his shoulders and leaned in front , he does that every time , when he hears something that goes against his will and wishes , and this was , totally against his ‘only’ wish .

“ talk to them again …… may be we could come down to Delhi and play there “ Satya  said breaking the silence , I knew he was just assuring himself , he knew it wasn’t possible , still a part of him wasn’t ready to except what had just happened .

For the past 2 years I had been following their band , in fact I always I felt a part  of  their band  , small , still significant .

I poured a heavy shot for myself , I wanted to get away from the uneasiness that had crept inside me , I wanted to kill the space inside my stomach that was making me pukish .

The lights had started to blurr , the neat alcohol was gushing in my veins , it was making its way to every possible nook and corner of my body .

I was taken back to the drizzling night , climbing the wet and slippery stairs , hunting the origin of the sound that had kept the anger inside me alive , the sound that had kept the blood gush in my streams.

I was standing outside the doors of the conference hall on the top floor of the lab building , mean metallic sounds could be heard from a distance , sounds of sticks ramming the drums , shredding of the guitar , base that took the sound to distance and the high pitch mean voice which made every passerby gaze in excitement and surprise of  the happenings inside the place .

As I opened the door , I was welcomed by a mean energetic sound , It was like being welcomed on door , by a really huge and muscular bouncer wearing a mean black tee of a heavy metal playing pub , where you only see people head banging to every beat  of the ‘sound’ .

it’s not a song , it’s a sound , it’s a noise , a really heavy noise , coz its mean , heavy and destructive and surpasses all definitions of  a song .

Inside I saw Bakri  shredding the guitar , it was making screeching sounds , like a horse neighing , ready to run on the turf , the sounds could cause some serious and heavy hemorrhage inside , they were some real destructive sounds .

Behind the drums , ramming the skin was Satya , the strong sounds had made this puny ,  little thing look like a giant , a real big creature , like the ones you run away from  in your dreams , which try to stamp you under their big feet .

Holding the base was Jit , all the organs inside me vibrated as his slender fingers moved on the strings . I could feel all the commas and all the stops in their songs . “YEAHH ! !”

he screamed , I felt like I exploded inside , and my blood had stained the walls .

I couldn’t help myself , my head had started moving , it had started ramming in the air , I was head banging without a choice…

The brain was retiring from the absorbed alcohol , my eyes took me to satya .

He was trying to hide the tears , he was trying to look away from everyone , from himself , and from what he was witnessing .

I felt awfully sad for him , I knew it would take a hundred inside him to absorb the pain , not because of his abstinence from booze , but because he would not talk about it to anyone , he would keep all inside him and let it eat him away .

Damn , I hated him for this , he made me feel small and insignificant , I loathed him and I loathed myself , ‘damn you crazy fucker’ I screamed inside ‘talk to me , you son of a bitch ’…

I had to pour one more for myself , this time a larger one , hoping it was large enough

to poison me to death . They had fucking slaughtered my dream in front of my own eyes , and I didn’t ‘ve anyone to blame . ‘Fuckin MOTHER FUCKERS’ , I was still screaming inside.

Resting my head on the wall ,  I was in the past again , while my eyes searched for something nonexistent on the dirty yellow walls , trying to find patterns on it .

“PESIT “ , I read the sign board outside the college , we walked in through the fest crowd , making our way to the venue where battle of bands was about to begin .

I remembered looking at the beasts like giant creatures wearing mean black tees , long tangled hair and heavy beards , carrying guitar and equipments near the arena , my eyes took me to them , they looked like two thin slices of cheese and a heavy burger , that’s all could come to mind , I guess I was hungry too .

When their turn came , they went and played on the stage , I never enjoy , when they are on stage , I ‘ve to bear every moment , its kind of hard for me , I ‘ve to hear them through the sounds people make in the audience , and all the time my ears remain alert for comments , but ya , haven’t heard many till now .

It was an awesome show , I didn’t know it was going to be among  the last ones , else I would ve gone upstage and hugged them after the performance , possibly kissed their cheeks too .

The silence was no longer prevalent in the room now , they had cried , marks of tears still visible  on their cheeks , they were kidding each other , reliving the past days of glory , still hurt from the inside , smiling , hiding truth on the outside .

My eyes were feeling heavy , didn’t know when they closed themselves , deep inside I was still hoping , it was a bad dream , just a nightmare , everything would be the same on the breakfast table .

 

“lets go I am hungry , ‘ll eat an egg puff “ it was Satya , I realized the class was over , I got up , took my wallet and stared walking.

‘fucking nefro feliacs ‘ , inside somewhere I was still screaming , but it was lost among other sounds , other songs of life…

the first kiss ....

SILENCE is a complex expression ,

sometimes a weapon , sometimes its your inability ,

sometimes it denotes your patience , sometimes end of a fight ,

sometimes it what one longs for , and sometimes it’s what , one tries to hide from

The first kiss ….

“last one ,” he said in a half declaration , half permissive tone , “okay…last one and everyone go to sleep , he has a flight to catch tomorrow morning “ she declared  , as always there was a strict  and  caring expression in her words , she treated him like a kid and he kind of liked it , they had been friends for long , together they had been through the roughest of patches and had seen the loveliest of rains . She had seen him cry , she had seen him dream with eyes wide open , together they had known the darkest secrets , which they had hid from others , she had seen him in the most embarrassing moments , and mocked him too , and like it had been ever , he never mind it a bit.

The night was pretty much over , the night  when they had sung and dedicated songs , laughed their hearts out  , friendly mocking and teasing each other , cried remembering the past days of  joy and fun and discussing the fun , in not so fun daily routine .

Sweeping the table off  the short eats that had fallen , and the empty whiskey bottle , she looked at him and said ,” could you go and sleep , now . “

“ya , I ‘ll … leave all that , come and sit next to me , I don’t know when would I see you next  “ he said  . she kept the bottle in a corner and switched on a brighter light , “no , that hurts my eyes “ , “switch that off , I ll get something “ he said in a whining tone .

He got up , went inside and came back with a candle lit inside a glass .

He kept it on the table , and switched off the lights , the balcony which earlier , was looking lifeless had suddenly come to life , the soothing yellow light had filled the place , the dull walls had come to consciousness hoping to witness life , the balcony overlooked the small pool , the calm pool water reflected the shiny star lights on the perfect moonless night , which was visible in small twinkles on her face , the cold and slow flowing breeze had frozen the moments , it seemed , nature employed the best of her painters to paint this moment on he canvas of time with the most romantic shades of yellow for them while they looked into each others eyes .

They spoke in a low tone , enough for the other to understand , smiling they remembered the times they fell in problems , times they laughed together , of the rain when they stood laughing on the road when he had slipped on the road and fell in the puddle , times when she got scared to death , of the rubber chameleon he threw on her , times when he literally made her cry by his practical jokes ,
they missed all that , and now then he was leaving they were going to miss being with together even more . these smiles were full of moments , moments which had witnessed their love and care for each other , their inability to share the other with someone else and the warmth they had , for one another .

Smiling and  joking through the night , they didn’t realize they had closed in to each other , the slowly flowing cold breeze had frozen the moments , the yellow light of the candle flame reflected on her smooth lips , they didn’t realize they were leaning in , as if HE was directing them  .

His heart was pounding inside his chest , she could hear it beat , they came more closer till their lips touched , the soft warm sweet scented breath was all they felt  and all other senses had become numb , as they remained frozen in time , the hearts had slowed down , hardly beating  , they only felt the flow of emotions through their chest and flow of  waves through the tips of  their  fingers . It was eternal  , it was beyond the limits of beauty .

It took them moments to come back to life , though he had kissed other women before too , which till now , were led coz of his carnal desires , yet he felt , this was his first kiss , this one was led by the purity in his heart and the love he shared for her . They had never experiences something so beautiful in life , and none else , could have made it so special .

They lay back on the couch , still in the gloomy moment , looking into each others eyes , realizing that they were smiling , remembering what had just happened , there was a soothing silence in the place , and both were still in the moment .

They didn’t want the other to break the silence , needless to say , it was  easy for them to understand what the other wanted  , they lay there staring into each other’s eyes all night , smiling …

He picked his bag and stuffed it into the rear bunk , and then started to talk to his friends , she saw the bag , she pulled it out and placed it properly , he saw her doing that , he smiled ,  he knew , she would do that .

On the way to the airport , they sat silently next to each other , holding hands , smiling and adoring each other .

They reached the terminal , the flight was on time , and the gates were about to be closed , he hugged all his friends , they wished him luck .

Then , he went to her , held her hands looked into her eyes , they let their eyes do the talking ,  there was care in his eyes , there was love in his eyes..he  hugged her . “ Wait for me ,.. I ‘ll come back” , …. “very soon” he said ,breaking the silence , there  could not have been a better  way to break the silence , she felt …. she nodded , they smiled again .

He went in the doors pushing the luggage , to give life to all the dreams he had seen her in …. while she waived her hands , tears in her eyes and smile on her face coz they were going to be far away , in two different places and coz they were now together for eternity....……..

Bye 'lil birdie....

Partin is painful but d joy of knowin tat

its for the Best surpases it al...

                                                   BYE ‘LIL BIRDIE ….

The shredded orange rays were now visible , coming from the back of the terminal ,

as we sat around the table in the open café .

The day had begun , birds were moving out of their nests singing their morning raagas , as the flights landed on the airport runway . The time was near , still stiring the hot coffee , which by now had lost all its warmth , I noticed  that everyone had the strange pensive expressions .

Its strange , how in certain times people with totally different faces end up looking the same . 

The joyous night of  fun and laughter was pretty much over , and we had stepped  into a new day , the day when were supposed to hold our self , and be her strength as  , our little bird flapped  her small wings , with a heavy heart to return to the place she had come from .

“ I don wanna go “, she could barely complete the sentence and a heavy tear rolled out of her pretty eyes , he grabbed her hand , held it tight as she rested her head on his chest , still crying , as he combed her hair , which were now falling on her face , with his little fingers . He pat her head  gently with his palm , as if he wanted her to sleep , the same way a mother pats her child waiving back and front consoling it , when it cries .

5 yrs of my life , I had not seen him  so caring about someone , his rustic ways always hid the child inside him from us , today I felt proud of him , proud of her , and proud of myself , for I had witnessed a love so pure .

I looked away , as he still sang lullaby into her ears .. People often think I am insensitive .

Well , I have to be ,  its very difficult for me to hold myself from crying , coz that is one thing about me , I don’t let people see , and with every occasion , I try to master it , only to be left more weaker than before .

I felt the uneasiness in the air , the birds were no longer singing , the cloud in the sky looked sad , the flowers had lost their charm ,the leaves seemed dry ,

Its strange how nature responds to your feelings so well , nature feels you , cries with you and smiles , when you smile .  It’s probably HIS way of telling , that you are not alone .

There was an uneasy silence , I hoped someone could say something , something to cheer her up  , I realized  everyone else was hoping the same .

My eyes took me to her friend , she looked awfully sad , I had never seen her sad , I always thought she never knew what sadness was , always saw her smiling face , always saw her smile with those tiny baby teeth , which made her look so innocent .

I felt weak , I needed someone to assure me that it was just a bad dream , I wanted someone to wake me up .

The time had neared , half heartedly , we pulled her luggage on the trolley  , it was time , she wasn’t crying any longer , at least  people didn’t see her tears , but we did , we knew she was weeping inside , pushing the trolley we reached the check in counter , pushing the luggage had never been so hard , he took out her tickets , and handed out to her , I was reminded of my mother , who would never hand me the tickets till the last moment , she cared , and for her I was a kid forever….  so did he , though he would not have said it in the best ways , but he meant it from the depths of his hearts .

She hugged everyone one by one , she came to me , I held her small hands , felt like I was talking to my kid sister “ don cry , if you cry , I don’t  know you .” she nodded still keeping her eyes on the ground , I knew , she had no courage to look into my eyes .

“I ‘ll miss you “ she said , I smiled and I felt weak  “don’t go “ , I said what I feared the most  , held myself again , reframed my sentence and said “don’t go ..or come back . “.. she raised her eyes , looked into mine and said “ I 'll come back .” , I felt happy   , the words were strong , I knew she meant it . I smiled … so did she .

She went back to him , half running , half walking , hugged him tight , as if wanting to tell him that even though they going to be far from each other , still they were together , they were one and no distance could separate them , and that it was just a small stint that would pass soon . It was beautiful , I thanked HIM for letting me , be witness to the most eternal beauty of life , I realized….. HE is there …..smiling ,  somewhere .

Pushing her luggage she went in , waiving her hands , smiling now , the way we wanted her to , the way we could remember .

He drove back with a heavy heart , talking non-sense on the way , trying to look normal and unaffected , deep inside still weeping from the previous night .

My eyes again went on her friend , I could see the tears …. again , I had to look away … this time out of the window , as he drove us back home .

   

feels lik a vaccum inside..
want to cry my heart out...
feel lik goin deep down the ocean
and burrying the part of me which is dead,
and come out from where the sun touches the 
ocean waters....

 

BEING STRONG

“that bitch ! that fucking bitch “ he shouted  , ramming the palm on the table , shaking the glasses , as he picked up the bottle of whiskey to pour another hard for him , he gulped it in one shot , squinted as it went down his throat and looked at me again , this time a little more drunk than before  , as I sat in front of him , worried and restless .

We have shared many drinks together in the past , through our thick and thins , I had seen the monster inside him and I had seen the child too .

But today I was going to witness something totally different , I was scared for him ,scared for myself , and scared for her .

“Still an hour to go for the reception , we‘ll leave a little late . “ he informed , and waved his hand to the waiter to order more booze .

I was still finishing my peg , as I saw him gulping one shot after another . My worries kept me from drinking that day , I was the only one who could hold him at that moment , when he was about to fall , deep inside he knew this too  , he knew I would come for him , I would even go down with him to protect him , and he always used  me…

The waiter brought more booze , he flung open the  cap and poured more , “ you know , she said that she would not be able to fall in love with anyone else now … but “….

“that bitch ! , that fucking bitch “ he shouted again , this time all other tables stared at us ,

embarrassed I asked him to keep it low . “fuck , what ? “ he roared again . I realized it was not going to be of any use , so I finished my peg , pushed the glass towards him , and asked him to fill more , I realized being equally drunk was the only way to save my face in the bar .

Drunk as hell , he walked out of the bar , I followed him , his walk was telling the whole tale , as passers by stared at both of us .

He stopped a rickshaw , told him the address and asked me to hurry up the steps  ,

I climbed up , and sat  , he rested his head on my shoulder and began in slow voice “ why does it happen to me ? , why is it always me  ?”…”whyyy “ he screamed again , the driver looked back in surprise , realized we were drunk and turned back . I had tried every fucking word in my dictionary to console him ,to reassure him , I had to say something.” it happens  dude…to all of us…..chill , “…I couldn’t think of anything more than that   , found myself at complete lost of words  , so I stared at the road as the rickshaw moved on the wet road which sparkled with reflections of street lights and the signboards .

The rickshaw had stopped , the long line of cars , women sparkling with heavy jwellery , and neatly dressed people indicated we had reached the destination .the entrance was decorated with big bright yellow-red flowers , and small bright bulbs , which would switch on and off following the rhythm of the music that played inside.

I found the bulbs too bright , too irritating for my eyes which were half closed by now.

“twenty five “ , said the rickshaw driver , I handed him the money , and realized  , he was already on the gates , making his way through the crowd into the hall.

I rushed behind him , caught his hand , pulled him in the side , “relax” I said looking into his eyes , he nodded , I could feel the thick drop of tear in his eye ,

 to see a tear in someone’s eye is different , but to feel it  , is friendship , I felt weak , I wanted to tell him that I would not be able to support him today , I needed something to lean over , today i needed support.

He pointed his finger to the stage and said,”there “ , “there she is” ,”and that asshole “.

He had started walking in quick steps, I followed him , he stopped   , I could see that their eyes had met  , I noticed the pensive and nervous expression on her face ,  trying to smile , as she greeted her guests on stage .

I realized he had read what I had failed to observe, he turned back , I saw her face , her eyes were searching for him , he came to me , “take me out of here “ , we turned our backs to the stage , started walking .

He had been strong , he had held his poise , it was something new , I felt proud of him , I smiled inside , I knew he will be able to bounce back to life.

As we were crossing the entrance against the flow of people, I realized he wasn’t with me any longer , I stopped , looked back and found him standing next to her , she was holding the ends of  his fingers , she looked at me and  smiled . I realised he was  smiling too , it was the child inside him , the same child she had fallen in love with . I finally felt at peace.

I realized she had come down from the stage to see him again.

“ I want you guys to meet someone, “ she said…as we made our way to the stage….

The afterlife ...

I walked towards the light ,

days and nights all together ,

tired I sat , thought for a moment and realized ,

it was not my time yet , turned around and walked back ,

only to return , sometime later…

  

                                             AFTERLIFE …

Standing in the queue , naked to the skin , I stared at the silver gates , half open , the angel greeted every soul as it came in , gave a white silk robe , and led them through the fog.

It was my turn , I was greeted by a beautiful angel , there was a soothing calmness about her , a warmth that made me feel relaxed , as if I was sitting in my mother’s lap as she swung herself back and forth , singing lullaby , helping me sleep.

She gave me a silk robe , helped me to put it on , held my hand , and led me  through the fog .

She led me to a big  room , room with high ceilings , big white walls , one of the walls had a big French window overlooking a lush green  grass field , the window was covered by white satin curtains.

There were a few other souls , sitting on the white leather couch ,  wearing the same white silk robes , I could read their eyes , though they looked at peace from the outside ,

the questions were fairly visible on their face , all of  us were equally puzzled , it’s was the same state of confusion  , when we go to a complete strange restaurant , puzzled , we look for a table , and act strange , making us look novice.

The angel showed me a spot , kissed the back of my palm and left , it was next to a small plant , though without flowers , it still had a strong and strange attraction about it , for its green leaves had small red patterns on it  .

While I waited for the next happening  , I realized none of the souls were talking to each other , none of them smiled , still there was no uneasiness in the room , it still had a warmth about itself , a relaxing and soothing air inside it. 

Sometime later , not sure how long  , came a man , he had deep blue eyes , eyes that radiated power , yet soothing  like that of a small child , his fingers were long and slender ,and danced like Belle dancers , his skin was clear like milk , shiny and silky hair curled in the ends reached till  his shoulders , a beard that covered his face with grace , in the most soothing and beautiful way possible , full pink lips , and a chiseled nose .

He wore the same white silk robe , only his was more shinier , more clear , and more elegant , I felt under dressed  , my robe seemed filthy .

Even though he was bare feet  , like we were , his feet  , looked most elegant ., with shapely toes and shiny finger nails.

He  had with him ,  a bag hanging from his shoulder , the same kind , poets and artists carry , only , his was skied blue .. 

 He took out books from  the bag , and one by one , and distributed them to all the souls , I was the last one in the queue , by the time it was my turn , there wasn’t a book left .

So he smiled , took my hand in his and said , you don’t have to wait for long , but the others have to , you will be the first one to leave with your mate , wait for her , while others read their books.

And so I waited , I realized it was going to be a long wait , coz this place was not bound by time , here you feel every moment , and every moment piles up on another  , it seemed unending.

I realized it was ‘hell’ , so different from what we picture , coz GOD is kind and merciful , he doesn’t make his children suffer , but he makes them wait.

I realized what others read , was their own story , story of their own deeds , both good and bad , when they were alive , they had to relive all the moments ,this was their ‘hell’ , they had to realize that had done wrong , now , they had an unbiased view of what they did  , so a few smiled , while others repented .

And every moment the expression changed , sometimes pride , sometimes remorse , sometimes shame , while I  sat and observed , I realized , they together , were my books ,

And through them , I was reliving my past again.

As I stared at them , capturing every moment of my life , in came , the angel , holding hands , of my mate , even the angel had lost her charm in front my fairy , she smiled , it was the same smile I fell in love with ……. my hell was over .

It had been long , we had lots to talk , we held hands and walked out of the room , into the mystic white fog , while others still completed their books..

free , are the birds....

 some birds aren't meant to be caged ,
their feathers are just too bright.
and when they fly away the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up ,
does rejoice....
but still the place you live in, is much more drab when they r gone.. :(

                                                                  FREE FLIGHT

There was once  , a dove , beautiful was her might.

Beautiful were her feathers , lovely was her flight ,

The eyes were full on innocence , and the aura was bright .

Free was the air , and boundless was her flight.

 

Close to the jungle , was a small village ,

Rustic were the ways , of people in all age ,

But , there was a lad  , loving as a sage ,

Pride of his mother  , in her old age.

 

The dove and the lad were great pals ,

The dove would get him berries ,

And the lad would break open the hard cherries .

 

Together they had the deepest of talk ,

And the lad , would face people’s mock ,

“I think , he’s gone mad.”

 this made his mother sad .

 

But the elders of the village knew ,

As this friendship grew ,

That they understood , all said and not ,

As women carried water , in the earthen pot.

 

Came to the jungle a hunter , searching for game ,

Looked at the dove , everything else now seemed lame ,

For the bird she was , anyone could go insane ,

 Blinded by lust , could he be blamed ?

 

So for the dove , the net was set ,

And the hunter waited ,

And in no time the dove fell victim ,

in the cage , now her fate waited.

 

He took the cage , to the prince of the land ,

Hoping the prize  , be huge and grand ,

The prince took her , in his hand ,

Waived off the mud and sand.

he saw the scar on her feet ,

and the hunter was beheaded..

 

the prince was in love ,

he build a castle , a garden so huge ,

where he hoped  , she would flap her wings ,

and he would listen ,the songs as she sings .

 

but never came the day , when she smiled ,

never came the day when she showed her flight ,

for she hoped and missed the lad ,

and the walls were too high for a fight.

 

True was his love , so the prince realized ,

Opened the gates , and turned around ,

Her departure was something , he couldn’t bare ,

Strong he held him , proud he did his share .

 

Delighted the dove , flew up in the sky ,

Above all heights , beyond all high.

A flower she dropped , from the sky ,

For the prince , who now wouldn’t  cry.

 

She went straight to the same old tree ,

Flew as hard as she could , never she felt so free .

 

What happened then , is still a mystery ,

For the only witness was the tree ,

And he never spoke , never was known 'THEIR' lane ,

Never were ‘THEY’ seen ,after that again…

 

****dedicated to 'JATAN' , never seen a free spirit like you..****

 

 

 

 

 

contd....

SILENCE is a complex expression ,

sometimes a weapon , sometimes its your inability ,

sometimes it denotes your patience , sometimes end of a fight ,

sometimes it what one longs for , and sometimes it’s what , one tries to hide from.

                                                   CONTD….

Sitting and waiting for the coffee was awfully strange , they never knew , never expected they could be quiet in front of each other , for ,  they had never been as yet.

Even on days they did not have anything to talk about , they would talk about the most uninteresting things in the world ,and the other would listen coz deep inside they understood each other , they knew there was a lot they wanted to say to each other , and wanted to talk through the days they had missed each other when they wished they were together , they used to talk to their pals ,telling how cool the other one was , and they would tell stories about each other .

Deep inside they were always together , sitting alone sometimes ,they would wonder , what they would talk about  , had they been together at that moment  , what the other one

would have said .

The coffee arrived , she passed him the sugar cubes , he felt uneasy.

Usually it was her , who would add sugar in his coffee , without asking , it was their small game ,where she would add sugar and he would try to tell the precise amount ,as if even a single crystal made a lot of a difference to the sweetness , and she would try her best  , smiling , giving the sweet expressions ,which made him feel special , coz in times they didn’t  have anything to talk about ,these small games kept them smiling , kept their soul together, but , he realized , the sweetness would no longer be there , he may try adding more sugar ,but it would not be as sweet as it used to be .

“So how r u doing ?”, he asked . As he asked , he realized he had never enquired her before , all this while whenever they met , or spoke to each other ,  he could make out , her sorrow , her happiness…

she smiled ,it was not the same smile ,there was some uneasiness about it , but then it was the easiest and most painless answer she could have given at that instant.

He stared outside the glass walls of the café , watching bodies passing by , busy in their chores , he wondered hw many different stories are running parallel in this world ,  some of which intersect  , and some don’t .

People who are in love and are together , had their story lines coming from totally different  directions , the lines met , and from that point started a new line , the symbol of  their love , the longetivity of which depended on the depth of their love , while the two lines continue their journey to infinity.

While he was swimming in the ocean of his thoughts , she was drowning in the seas of  her inner conflicts , the signs of which were fairly visible on her forehead , sometimes rolling down , by the sides of  her face , as she searched for something non existent  on her cell phone..

The waiter served the bill , and before , he could dig his pockets for his wallet , it had already been paid  , as if she had been waiting for this moment  , he felt weak from the inside , felt paralyzed , she didn’t want to make any eye contact , she was scared of herself.

They got-up to leave  , she led him , he held the door for her , outside it was noisy and dusty , yet , he felt relaxed and at ease.

They went straight to the car , she drove , they didn’t talk much on the way back , as the destination neared , the vacuum increased , sucking more powerfully , the car stopped , he looked straight in her eyes , they didn’t ve to say anything , she smiled , or rather tried to smile . he responded in equal uneasiness , closed the door and waved his hand as she drove away .

Walking his way back to his house , he realized it had been  another long day of his life..  but was not glad a bit , that it was over….

some untold stories

To die is one thing , to fall in love is another…

To live is one thing , to be alive is another…

                                             The story teller..

The café was full , as usual . Though located in the down town , it was particularly mannered compared to its other counterparts . It was not the aroma of the freshly baked coffee beans that pulled women to this part of the town , but the young lad who used to tell stories , stories with strange endings , which sometimes would leave the audience spellbound , sometimes in rage of anger , sometimes in tears , they would promise themselves not to come to him again , not to listen to his stories again , but the promise was too hard to keep  , for they had become addicted to the drug he secretly served in his stories.

The café owner , walked up to him , held out his purse and handed him out five shriveled dollar bills . He smiled and said “ you know I don’t need these” , but before he could hand it back , the owner had turned his back towards him .

“keep them for future ,save it for the days , when I fire you “ he said with a chuckle waving a finger in the air,  and left.

The young lad had his bunk in the store of the café , and pretty much everything he needed in this world was  there.

Retiring from the day , he switched off the lamps and closed his eyes , and within no time he was in his stories , stories for the following day , stories which waited for its audience.

Following evening as usual , the café was full of beautiful Spanish women , ravishing to say the least.. so at peace , listening to the stories , that it was a sight to watch..

A woman’s silence is all , a man longs for , when she is listening to every word you say , coz you know deep inside , she is falling in love with you , how far and different you may be..

But this was not going to be the same any longer , a  young  pretty maiden walked in through the door , she looked so innocent that all other women who looked ravishingly beautiful  , now looked like a pack of wolf staring at an innocent lamb.

He raised his eyes as the ebony smell of her body hit him , for a moment he was stuck , and no one , but the damsel and him , felt the moment  , that was the moment when he realized he was smiling like a stupid .

It took him , lot of such moments to came back to life , he cleared his throat and finished the story , for the first time in his life had he felt the urge to finish a story , for he wanted to speak to the girl , he knew she would come to congratulate him.

 Unceasingly his eyes searched for the girl as he shook hands with people who came to thank him , but she never came ..

Going to sleep was particularly strange that night , he tossed himself left and right  , but couldn’t find the right comfort , yet he was smiling and found himself in a strange world , it was a long night , a dreamless night .

Following evening he didn’t 've a story to tell , for the dreamless night , he didn’t remember any of his previous ones too .

So the women had coffee and chattered in disappointment , talking and gossiping through the happenings of the day.

The night repeated itself , the days and evenings did the same ...

The storyteller was out of out of stories…the café gradually lost its ‘customers’ ,and the owner was left with no other choice , but to ask him to leave.

He packed his  bag , his small tattered bag  ,the only bag he had , which had all his worldly possessions . He headed to the market place to catch a bus , for he wanted to leave everything behind .

As he walked uneasily through the market place , the ebony smell hit him again , startled in excitement , as if a baby to the sound of its mother ,he turned  , the strange smile was back , but short-lived this time , for she was holding the hand of another man ,who could barely walk .

He noticed the pensive expressions , the paralyzed look in her eyes , he walked up to her dropped his bag on her feet , and said ," I hope its enough , I never used it , never felt the need" , he smiled  , looked in her deep eyes , he could feel the flow of tears through them .

So he left , keeping himself strong , he had realized , love was not about loving someone and expecting some in return , but its actually the inability to see someone in tears , it’s the power to witness two loving souls and to feel their pain , and feeling the happiness by seeing them smile together ,and it only grows , when you know that it was you who made them smile .

 This way it is eternal and heavenly…

Now he could sleep in peace , he could ‘ve his stories again…only , now they were about eternal and true love , and he used to tell them to people , who use to come to visit him under the tree..

Which later became a pilgrimage for all the spirits in love , for them it was a place where  they found true solace , but for him it was just another day at work..

this is how it began

I am a new born ,  I don’t need too many words to tell what I want ,

I just ‘ve to cry , and everyone knows …..

             

                                          This is how it began

The rickshaw had started moving gently , catching pace with every pedal , he had loads to tell her , how he felt, why he was angry , why he came all the way to a strange place to see her.

But her presence made it so difficult , and words wont come out , he never realized up until then  , how breathtakingly beautiful things around her get , how hard it is to be angry around her , coz when you look at her , all your heart waits for , is a smile , and so addicting , that it surpasses all high..

Its was like HE gave him crayons and a blank sheet and asked him to draw whatever he could , and he drew what he wanted…him , her , the tattered road , the rickshaw , the trees growing by the side , witnessing all that happened…. the puddles which would splash water when disturbed , as if they liked being  stepped onto , like small kids splashing water at each other in a pool , and as they splash the smile grows to a chuckle and then the innocent laughter , binding them for eternity.

 He realized ,its only with her ,  he adores what he can see, coz she animated his world , coz she filled colors in his pictures bright yellows ,soothing green , limitless blue…

What he could not draw , was the past , what had just happened , that had made things so bitter , so fucking sad.

It took him a while to gather himself , for shattered he was  ,and he began in a low voice.

She heard him , and there was no response , no questions asked , no remorse ,all he could observe was  the smile. the smile the wanted to capture , its one thing to see a smile , another to feel it and a totally different experience to kiss it..

He wanted to kiss her smile and tell her hw much he wanted her , hw much he loved her..

Bt he held himself, and he dare not make an eye contact , for he would ‘ve lost all the courage..

As the rickshaw reached the station , there was this sudden urge in him to get off and run far away , but no longer a kid, he held his poise , hugged her and bid adieu..

He felt as if it was the last time he  was seeing her , a vacuum had crept in absorbing and eating him away from the inside . ...it was going to be a long day…a fucking long day…

to be contd.

hearts and brains..

I ‘ve always believed , that the best novels were never written , partially coz they were never completed..

And the ones those were completed only carried a fraction of what the author wanted to say…

That’s why people say , reality is more stranger than fiction..

                                      The heart and brain story

There’s this thing about the heart and brain , though they find acquaintance in the same place , yet they play and mock each other , play cruel games on each other , inhuman to say the least…and who suffers in their conflict , is the man who nurtures them…

Even though you read and hear about their cruelty  everywhere , you still believe them , you think they wont betray you , and just then ,they leave you in tears…they leave those scars which never want to heel , and you keep scratching them , coz it fun to see yourself bleed sometimes…

They play this game of blindfold with each other , its called ‘love’ in literature..the most drastic and dramatic game ever invented ,

Sometimes the heart blindfolds the brain, holds its hands , and guides it to the the most dense of the forests , on its way it describes the journey as , through the most lush green terrains , and the most picturesque scenes one can imagine..

When they reach the forest  , the heart realises that he had been on the wrong way , scared he turns around and runs for  safety , for the dusk in nearing…

Finding himself all alone , the brain takes of the blind fold , scared , looks for the heart , in vain…

Now then they r not together any longer brains realizes , what heart called lush green was a dark jungle , so dark , that the sunlight seldom enter , and what he considered picturesque has turned into frightening terrains .. scared , they look for each other , call their names..but its nothing except echo of their of their own call ....

Lost , these two leave the man in his misery , both heart and brain who had been great friends at one point, now don’t wish to be together , heart is too ashamed of himself , of confronting himself to the brain for being so coward , and the brain is sad for it shut its senses and followed the heart…..YES , the heart ends up betraying , and the brain ends up being a fool…

Both decide to kill themselves , for they 've lost the very reason of their existence..

They take the man to the cliff , and …………

 While this is read , by someone , he doesn’t realize that his heart and brain are about to start the same game of  blindfold ……