a little tipsy sometimes...

A little tipsy sometimes…

I recently came across a blog in which the author had narrated an incident where he attempted an exam while being drunk . As I read it, I was reminded of a pretty similar incident which happened sometime back during my engineering days.

Half of my stories in the blog have a mention of booze in them , and if you have read them , it must have given you an impression about me that I am a drunkard .

Well , to be honest , I am not . My booze intake was ‘nothing’ compared to other members of our hostel gang . Its just that after rounds of shots , while most of them used to go to bed, I used to go around doing silly things . 

I don’t drink regularly , in fact I prefer to stay away from it on most occasions , that being said I would also like to add that , there goes no celebration without it  and being a little tipsy just keeps your ‘spirits’ ‘high!!’

“That’s it !! I can’t .” I said ramming the text on the table “I have given up .”.

It was 11 in the morning , still an hour an half to go for the university exam , and like most occasions , it was still Greek and Latin for me in the texts .

“Dude ….study the last chapter…its pretty easy “ , said Pramod . L , keeping his eyes deep in to the text and shuffling pages like a robot .

Pramod . L and me are friends , and apart from the first name , we do not have much in common , but we have helped each other a lot during the exams , in fact it wouldn’t be wrong to say that much of the ‘manuscripts’ written by us during the exams were pretty similar , actually they can be said to be Photocopies with different handwritings !!

“No dude.. i can’t make it “, I said like a wounded soldier .

 Well , battle against the university is no less than an actual battle , exception being the weak bodied , thin and half dead looking geeks and bookworms find it much easier to sustain the three hours , than the gym hitting and athletic bodied guys like us .

And the irony is that , nobody finds the above fact ironical .

Pramod . L or ‘ L ‘ as I call him , was still shuffling pages , I looked outside through the balcony overlooking the lush green college round , the weather was beautiful , perfect for a picnic , or a game of cricket .

I wonder why the weather gets on its bloom every time we have exams , as if there aren’t other distractions like the new season of some t.v series that someone downloaded , or a movie that had been seen hundred’s of times , yet it appeared totally interesting while standing on the door , hooked to the scene, promising oneself that studies would be resumed right after he scene gets over  , or the new video game that some computer geek downloaded with the cheat codes . Some novel that someone pulled outside from the junk with a handful of days left for the exam , cricket series  basketball seasons kicking on ESPN , new issue of Maxim ect  .

I brought my eyes back to ‘L’, he was struggling , never in my life had I seen him so sincere , I realized that now then  I had given up too , he didn’t stand a chance in the exam , I felt sad for him and if it was in my powers to give marks , I would have , to everyone , including the geeks ( they are people too !!) .

“Lets go to Mayuri” I said to him , he looked at me and smiled , “ you are crazy “ he said .

Though he might have rejected the idea in its first go , but I knew he was still thinking about it and it was pretty visible by the smile that was floating on is face .

I knew , if I could push him a little he would fall of the edge and he would drive us to the nearest bar (Mayuri) .

I closed his book , “lets go, we have an hour and twenty minutes to go … one quarter .. that it … we shall share it , vodka , no rum , no whiskey “ , I placed my offer .

“No dude , you are crazy “ he replied , I could feel the difference in the tone , he was nearing the edge .

“One quarter Fuel “, he said to the waiter , and something in the vernacular , I guessed he was asking him to hurry up .

The waiter brought the bottle , it was opened in a crash , pegs were made and in no time , it was over , we didn’t talk much over the first bottle , he was still keeping his eyes on the texts . I looked at him , as the first bottle finished , he looked at me . There wasn't much to say , it was all understood , a new bottle was ordered .

“One more quarter “, he said to the waiter . As he poured the 2^nd peg from the new bottle for himself , the ‘sacred text’ had found itself a place on the neighboring table . 

Ten minutes later , he was cursing me for bring him there , while I was assuring him that next time it would be easier and that we would prepare for it properly.

 “Whatever “ he said , getting up from the chair .

It was time to attend the exam , we went to the loo , relieved our self , splashed our faces with water ,  stuffed 3-4 Center-fresh in our mouth to camouflage any smell what so ever , and drove back to the college .

I did not remember the journey , nor did he ( I asked him later ! ) .

We ran towards the exam hall , we were late by a couple of minutes , but it was no big deal . Before crashing inside the hall , I instructed him not to open his mouth , and to keep his cool in the class .

The examiner was still distributing paper , he looked at us and then went back to paper distribution , we went straight to the seats and waited for him to come and give us the papers . The junior girl sitting  besides me , looked at me , I gave her a serious and cold look , held my breath for a couple of moments till it was impossible to hold onto any longer . I suspected she had smelled the vodka , I didn’t want to add more to her suspicion .

There is this peculiar thing about our college , there are two branches I particularly wish to talk about .

The Mechanical and the Biotech , the former one is only about boys wile the later one , well…  it wouldn’t be wrong to say is ‘only’ about girls . And booze is not an issue in these two branches, both the branches like partying .

The ‘chicks’ in biotech in a  few  ways  are  much  better than  the  geeks  of   our branch ( E&C ) , they won’t mind gulping a couple of shots now and then , coz its like an adventure for them . Well they are a wild set of girls who believe that boys should not have all the fun !! .
And as for the mechanical , well booze is just another form of lubricant to keep the machines rolling .

A couple of minutes later , we were given the paper and the bell in the corridor signaled that it was time to begin .I looked at the question paper , except the first question rest all appeared like Greek and Latin again !

I turned back and glanced a view on ‘L’ , he was playing with his pen .

He raised his eyes and looked at me , I raised my eyebrows , to ask what we usually do… ‘how much you know’ , he shook his head…  ‘nothing‘ , I shook my head in reply…’same here’.

I looked around in the hall to find a couple of eyes doing the ‘survey’ before writing , there were a couple of geeks making expressions as if it was the toughest paper ever and their chances were as good as ours , there were a few other who could not join us in the bar , coz they had some ‘first aid’ hidden in their shoes and pockets , while the rest was the humble crowd , they were busy with the struggle , they were the ones none hated , or cared about , they were the normal crowd , they had no plans of making it to the  ‘red carpet‘  . A few of them were expecting something over the ‘Poverty line’ while others were trying to touch it .

I broke into a chuckle , then realized that it was not a regular lecture hall but an exam , and started scribbling the required information on the first page .

One hour was over , I had answered to my potential , the first thee questions were all I knew in the exam , they rounded upto 20 marks , I could not have scored more than 15 ,   ( it’s the rule ). Still a twenty more were needed to pass the exam , I had virtually given up , I could have walked out , but I didn’t feel like , not that I was bothered about coming out first , but I just didn’t feel like getting up , I was kind of lazy .

I read the 4^th question , it was asking for some description of a model , the name suggested its prehistoric origin . ‘hmmm… ‘ I began writing , I repeated the lines in the questions carefully , making no errors or spelling mistakes , then glanced out of the window , the clouds , the sun , the tree everything seemed so majestically beautiful , that I could not stop myself from describing the beauty of the nature . At this point it was the poet in me who had taken charge . The metaphors and the similes flowed till the end of the page , it might not have been technically correct  but I think to this day it remains as my best literary work ever . I felt happy after ‘answering’ that question , it was ‘beautiful’ , it wouldn’t be wrong to say that if I would have read it again , a tear would have definitely slipped my eyes . ( in fact my literature teacher would have kissed me , if she would have got a chance to read it . )

The next question was answered in less poetic but critical view , in the ‘answer’ I described the various problems I was facing , the shortage of money due to excessive partying , the tasteless food in the hostel mess , the fines I had to pay , the college policies which needed revival , etc . One point worth while noticing was that I made sure that my handwriting was good. It was cursive, it had all the grooves and turns Merlin Monroe had. But the problem was that, my Monroe could grab some unwanted attention, but the artist inside me was too tough to be stopped, while I was drunk.

I answered a couple of more questions with the same vigor and enthusiasm, stating examples and inferences from world politics, women empowerment, The holy bible and The Gita .

By now ‘L’ had already invited trouble, he was caught peeping into neighbor’s booklets and then for an argument with the examiner, he was sent out. All that happened when I was busy scripting nature and when I was drowning in deep thoughts and philosophy.

I had filled quiet a number of sheets by now. Now it was time for the moment of truth, the last question . Here I apologized for all the crap and poems I had pulled up , sitting in the exam . I don’t remember writing much, I kept it short and brief, just as the question had asked ‘Answer in brief ‘.

I handed out my paper to the examiner and left the room after 2and a half hour of rigorous writing and creative work , only a couple of leaves were left in my answer booklet , it was a job well done .

I was still trying to remember the poem, which I had written in the exam, when I met ‘L’.

“so hw was it ?”, he asked, I smiled back , “we ll write it again next time “, I replied .

We both broke into a chuckle and walked our way to ‘Mala-Shop’ (the famous pan shop near our college , its on Goggle Maps too !! , one of the advantages of lending desperate students cigarettes , they return favors in unexpected ways .)

A couple of months later , results were declared , the poet inside me had done what an engineer could not have , I scored 38 (35 + 3) out of 100 (grace brings you 35 , but you have to earn 38 !! ) . I had passed the subject , my excitement and surprise knew no boundaries .

I wondered if it was my poem describing the nature or the sincere apology letter that had  got me such a score .

Well…there are two shops which would never run out of business in Bangalore , one is the wine shop and the other is the Juice shop , so either ways it could have been an equally drunk professor or a tired man who spilled juice on my answer sheet .

the Tortoise and the Rabbit...

Friends just rock your world.

The tortoise and the rabbit …

The Tortoise had been practicing hard for the race . Every morning he would get up early and head straight to the beach , where he would spend endless hours working and training himself for the race he had challenged the Rabbit for .

Everyone in the town thought that the Tortoise had gone crazy , it was pretty clear that the Tortoise was no match for the Rabbit who could cover miles in his leaps .

But a commitment made , was a commitment made , and even though the Tortoise knew that he stood almost no chances of winning against the Rabbit he still wanted to respect  his words .

The Rabbit used to train for the race too , though he knew that the race was not that tough for him , he still had not taken it as a joke .

But deep inside he was worried for his friend , the Tortoise . He did think of calling the race off , but it could come as an insult for his friend .

He was in a dilemma , he didn’t want to loose to a Tortoise and he definitely , couldn’t see his friend loosing and being mocked at later .

“they all make fun of him in the school , ma . “ said the Rabbit to his mother sad and worried , “and even though he understands everything I say to him , I just don’t know how to tell him “ .

The Rabbit and the Tortoise were great friends , even though they different still they were totally alike .

Rabbit was a popular kid in his school . He was liked by the females , his friends thought he was cool and his teachers were proud of him , but life was a little different for the Tortoise , he wasn’t among the popular crowd , people used to mock him and make fun of him . He was considered the worst student and the laziest athlete .

All this while , he had his friend, the Rabbit to take care of him.

But life doesn’t let anyone rest in peace , things were going to be different now .

It was the night before the race , and like always , the Rabbit headed to the Tortoise’s house to have a small chit chat and to ask how prepared he was . He went straight to the window looking into Tortoise’s room .

Like always it was half open , but this night , the Tortoise wasn’t expecting him .

The Rabbit , stood up on the stool to reach the window, so that he could speak to his friend. He saw the Tortoise praying to the God . And so, as always , he waited him to complete his prayers,  listening to the innocent talk his friend had with the almighty .

‘ hey God . A million thanx for the day . I really don’t have much to share tonight , you know everything !! …You know , how hard I have worked for tomorrow’s race  . I know I don’t stand a chance in front of him , and I know it was totally immature of me to challenge him .

It has been so hard on him , I know he is running only because he respects me , he loves me . Thanx a lot for sending a friend like him, to a loser like me .

I know I will not win the race tomorrow , but please give me the courage to finish it , and please give me the courage to stay without my only friend , it’s all my fault…

I have always asked you to make me popular among everyone , but tonight I want you to listen to my prayer and forget what all I have asked for till now , I don’t want to be popular , I don’t want to be liked ... I just want some courage from you…Amen .’

The rabbit stepped down from the stool and walked his way to his house .

It was a clear morning and the crowd had gathered near the arena . The judges explained the rules to both the participants and gave a map of the route .

The Rabbit  wished the Tortoise luck and shook his hand with a smile .

The judge fired the bullet and the race started .

As expected , the Rabbit leaped swiftly with an amazing start .Well for the Tortoise , he had a steady start , but not fast enough to be considered quick . People had started laughing and mocking . But he kept himself strong he went on with what he had decided , he was determined .

The rabbit had reached very far , he looked back , there was no sign of the Tortoise , he felt sad for him . He was disappointed with the turn of events , he walked to the nearest tree and sat under it remembering the past days of fun and joy , he realized things would never be the same between both of them .

The Rabbit was still sitting under the tree when he saw the Tortoise , tired and sweaty , still walking .

He hid himself behind the tree . A few moments later the Tortoise passed the tree , the Rabbit was pleased and felt great .

“go my friend !go Tortoise”, he said , soft enough that none else could hear , but him. He felt proud of his friend .

He lay himself under the tree , happy and smiling .

The tortoise not just won the race , but also the reputation he longed for among people . He became popular among all the females and all inmates of the school , his stories were told far and wide .

The Rabbit on the other hand lost everything , he was loathed over by everyone for his arrogance and overconfidence , he was no longer popular and his shame was the talk of the town , but little did he care, coz God had listened to all the prayers of his friend and the best of all , ‘ they were still friends ’ …

just like the old times...

would you know my name ,

if I see you in heaven ,

Would it be the same,

if I see you in heaven .

I must be strong , and carry on ,

coz I know, I don’t belong ,

Here in heaven …

                            --Eric Clapton .

Just like the old times….

Time does not stop , moments do .

Sitting by the shore , felling the cool fragrant breeze which carried the aroma of the water and the warmth of the mild fire , they looked into each other’s eyes . They were both smiling through pain and didn’t want the other to know . 

They both knew it , it was easy to read their eyes , they just didn’t want to confront  it .

“ A couple of months more “, said the doctor hiding his face from the eyes which expected hope .

“There must be something …”. He could hardly complete his sentence and a heavy tear rolled down his cheek . He looked away and wiped it off before anyone could see it .

“ I am sorry “, said the doctor holding his trembling hands , “be strong … for her “ .

“ What did the doctor say ? “, she asked before he could enter the room .  “nothing much, as usual , regular reports” , “you know how things work ...” he replied avoiding her eyes , picking up the bottle from the table . He knew a lot of questions waited for him . “ you know something ? “ she asked .

He gathered himself , looked at her , still finding himself unable to look into her eyes and asked “what ?”.

“you might never learn to lie “.

And he burst into tears , she held him in her weak arms , as he rested his head on her chest dried of the chemo and medications , consoling him .

He was crying like a kid , a kid who had just realized that his favorites pal would leave him alone , and would go far away , never to return .

“Don’t do this to me ..Damn it ! “, “please... don’t do it to me “.

They sat there for hours tired , broken , helpless .

The fire had oozed down , the half burned  ashes were flying up in the moonless sky , orange and yellow , trying to fill colors on the black canvas which was jaded with diamonds far and wide , the ashes would rise and disappear in the night .

“ remember , the last time we came here”, “out of nowhere , it had stared raining “ he said , breaking the silence . “ ya and you had to spend next two days in bed , crying and complaining “, “what a cry baby ! “ she replied winking , making fun of him .

They smiled and he felt weak but , still continued smiling , he was in deep pain , probably more than her .

She came and sat in front of him , resting her head on his chest , he took her shawl and enveloped both the bodies .

He took her slender fingers in his hands and planted a gentle kiss . “remember when you had fractured your hand , learning to drive that old scooter “, he said “ I didn’t mind cooking for both of us “,“It was fun to see you making faces and getting angry for what I did to the kitchen “

“ohh..ya..and you still haven’t bought me the bangles you promised after wrecking my kitchen “ she replied pinching his cheek softly .

They laughed , smiled through the night , playing games , mocking each other , and the stars witnessed the night , with heavy hearts , carefully hiding their tears from each other.

Somewhere in between his story , she closed her eyes , it took him long to realize , for it was so peaceful , that it felt like the moments had frozen .

Time never stops , but moments do .

They lay there under the moonless sky jaded with diamonds far and wide . The next day it was going to be some other place, some other time from the past, some other memories waited their return .

“ Let’s relive all the moments , all the times we spend together “, she said wiping the tears off is cheeks . He had stopped crying now ,the helplessness was too tough to get over with . “ lets live our life again “ she said looking deep into his eyes , holding his face in her weak hands .

Passion fruit ..

                                                                                 Flip…

She threw the glass on the door as he left the room , a shattering sound was heard and it scattered into a thousand pieces .  

Sometimes small issues ignite a big fight . And though the issue is not the real cause of fight, still it gets all the blame.

People say they are an unusual couple, fighting through love, and loving through fights.

Even when they are together, sometimes the lovemaking gets so intense that is passes all boundaries of  passion , to say the least .

And when the silence prevails, its those pity issues, which come into picture .

Its like the low moment of a trip . When you think you have sobered up , the awkward silence prevails , and in a moment you are back in the groove.

Sitting by the couch , resting her head on her arms she was asking herself  why she went against everyone  to be with this bastard .

She realized how much she hates him , how annoying it is to be under the same roof .

He doesn’t care to remember dates, he has a hundred lies to tell, he even didn’t care remembering their marriage anniversary , let alone her birthday . He is so self-centered .

One hour later he arrived , sat besides her and tried to wrap her in his arms ,only to be shook off in anger.  He realized it wouldn’t be easy .

He reached to open the window , it had rained outside, the smooth breeze glided in smoking through his shirt , carrying the cologne she loved .

She felt a sudden rush through her , a rush that  that was not just about anger but also about burning desire and passion . She raise her head , the eyes met , he recognized the look .

And…

From the travelling diaries

                                                               From the travel diaries…

“ So how long would it take to reach there ?”, I asked him . “four hours “, “ if we get a bus on time “, he replied lazily , pushing himself in the seat .

“ And where is this place exactly “ I asked .

College had just reopened after the vacations , and students were still returning from their home . We practically had nothing productive to do and the college was closed for a couple of more days for municipal elections , nothing that we cared about , as long as it was giving us a few more days off college , we could take it .

“ Puthaparti ,  in Andhra Pradesh “, he replied , keeping his eyes closed ,  . “ Andhra Pradesh !! “ , “ are u crazy  ! ! “, I was shocked .

“ Hee Hee “ . I could make out that I had been fooled , by the wicked smile that floated on his face  and realized why none else volunteered for the cause .

Once again I had fallen victim of my habit of listening to half conversations and trusting my friends , blindfolded .

‘Damn’ , ‘ ummm…whatever ‘ I said to myself .

“ okie ! ! “ , I said to him in a less-cared-about tone .

College was closed for a couple of days , and even if would have been open , I didn’t see myself making any contribution to the world of engineering , it would have been he same old and sad stories of lectures and long , hectic and monotonous lab programs .

Andhra Pradesh seemed a petty good deal , it seemed interesting , to say the least .

Though I wasn’t expecting a trip out of the city , I did expect a night out and my bag was prepared for two nights . 

‘ Tooth brush , a couple of clean undergarments , and an extra set of jeans and shirt ‘ I counted my belongings in the bag , and satisfied that all I wanted was there , I burried my chin in my hand , stared outside through the window into nothingness ,  enjoying the overshadowed scenery and the cool breeze as our bus headed to the city bus station  .

The unplanned trip had begun .

Even though it was completely unplanned , but there were a few things we needed , a toothpaste for instance , which both of us didn’t remember to bring .

I have made numerous travels , far and wide , with him , but never do I recall using a toothpaste that he carried , not that he is filthy or doesn’t care brushing his teeth , he is just lazy , or may be ‘too man to care’ for such things .

There were other things that ‘I’ needed , something to munch on the way . We got down at local Food-days mart .

I got a couple of packets of Pringles , a few packets of chocolate cream biscuits , a few  Mars Bars , couple of packets of ‘ cream and onion ‘ Lay’s , a few packets of plum cakes and a few other knick-knacks . The bill rounded off to an amount , which to this date gives him a reason to keep me off from shopping for a trip , but to give an idea , I would like you to know that it was more than all other expenses combined together .

  

We reached the bus station on time , bought our self tickets , and settled ourselves in the bus , I took out a mars bar and started feasting on it , he looked at me , shook his head , let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes , I knew he would doze off in the bus , he always does , while I would have to sit and undergo all the bumps and jerks in the rickety bus , hence , the only possible way to keep myself occupied was to munch on the junk till we reached our destination . I still had to master the act of sleeping on the bus .

The engine started , I brought my eyes , which were following random people on the platform , inside the bus , there were hardly any souls inside .

It was just me , him , the driver and a man who appeared like our HOD with his half bald moon shaped head , from the back .

“ dude, I think we are on the wrong bus “, I said , a little concerned ,“ ummm… let it be   ”, he replied half asleep , ‘ ahh..damn you lazy sloth !! ‘ I cursed .

I walked over to the driver and asked him if the bus was heading to the same place we were , he nodded , “ week day , no crowd saar !! “ , he said in the typical Bangalore auto driver accent , “aahh , ok ! ”. I smiled back and made my way to the seat , I glanced a look on the man , felt relieved , it wasn’t our HOD .

I came back on my seat , opened a packet of Pringles , stared at Jit for a moment who was now completely unaware of the happenings and gazed outside the window , it was still overshadowed , ‘I probably might rain ‘ I said to myself . ,.

I wondered , if he would ever be able to get over his sleep . He practically sleeps everywhere , in the class , in the restraunts waiting for the order , in the queue waiting for his turn , on the dinner table waiting for others to complete their meal , on the bikes , while on a road trip , while watching movies , in the bus , in the auto , all he needs is a support and he ‘ll make a bed for himself , I even remember him dozing off while standing in the bus , I couldn’t help laughing at him that day , he woke up , made an annoyed expression but couldn’t sustain it for long , he fell asleep again , while I laughed all the way back to the college .

He sleeps when he is tired , when he is sick , when he is sad , when he is angry , when he is happy , when the weather is too bad or too good , all the time , the trip was going to be no exception .  

The bus we opted for must have been in its terminal days of service , it was old and rickety , a small bump on the road was enough to shake all the screws and bolts , though the seats and window panes were clean , it could still not make up for the fact , that we had to spend 6 hrs on it , instead of 4 , coz the bus had to be stopped in every half hour for coolant refueling . The driver would run down with a container to fill water from puddles , taps , small tanks and whatever he could find on the way , every time he would stop , I would wake up Jit , get outside the bus , light a cigarette and smoke adding more clouds to the heavily overshadowed sky , the timeless place and the flowing cool breeze had brought us in a different world , it was the beginning of  our wanderlust .

The driver offered us to find seats in some other bus , but we were happy with the timelessness of the place , we wanted to be with the bus on its ‘ last crusade ‘ .

The ‘ old lady ‘ carried us , through the tattered roads overlooking the rich green rice fields . We witnessed the giant bald brown rocks beaming at each other with anger , trees forming canopies , waiting for school children , prepared for the rains .

The stones by the side of the roads which had shaped themselves perfectly , for tired travelers  and the aroma which could make you feel at home .  

We crossed small villages and settlements as the slow bus had started introducing us to new dimensions of time .

To be contd .

maa..

Maa….

We all have come to this world with specific purpose , and it wouldn't be long that we shall figure it out too.  She came to this world to become a mother , she came to spread love , she came to take care of everyone , and I am one of the lucky few who stood on the receiving end  .

She was introduced to me , by my mother as my sister’s caretaker , and I had no idea , that this introduction would lead to an everlasting friendship and a bond which I  would treasure for years to come .

She was in her late 40’s . A typical sindhi woman , dressed in her bright Punjabi suit , tall , a little on the healthier side , pink and plump cheeks , big brown kohl  lit eyes , henna colored golden brown hair carefully pleated in a ponytail elegantly covered by a chunni , beautiful slender fingers and a smile which could give a run for money to any young aspiring model .

If I was ever asked to describe an angel , I might probably end up adding white feathers to the same word picture.

She used to come  before I would leave for school and stay till mum and dad returned from work .

Everyday she would walk me to the bus stop , on the way she would ask about my friends , my teachers , my favorites in the class , people i disliked , everyone .
She would inquire if some kid was bulling me over , if I had completed my homework  and many other whats whys and who(s).

She used to blend her questions in such stories that I never realized I answered them .

She knew everyone , from my small world , from the girl in my class whom I hated the most to the man who used to sell samosas in the small stall outside the school ,our old driver ji who I used to talk to on my way to school and on my way back, the conductor who took away the whistle from me , which my friend gave to me in school ( I blew that whistle , and driver ji  thought it was the conductor. He stopped the bus . They looked at each other , puzzled and after a small debate my red whistle was confiscated for no reason !)

Breakfast was something she was very particular about , she made sure I finished it .

I had probably tried every trick in the book to fool her with the glass of milk , but never did I succeed.  I used to get annoyed on her for making me drink all milk and making me finish my breakfast , but a frowning face was too tough to sustain after the shower of compliments and friendly teasing , she had an antidote for everything .

Her book must have been heavier than mine .

Everyday after sending me off for school, she would return home. She would give my sister a bath , feed her , sing her a lullaby , wave her till she would fall asleep , and try to finish the regular cleaning as much as possible till the little devil would get up and start crying again . It must have been a tedious job , for I remember , when my kid sister used to start crying once , she would go on till the neighbors would come knocking on the doors. There were thousands of diapers that needed to be changed , and hundreds of clothes which needed to be cleaned as the day would come to an end  , but , never did she complain .

I used to return from school in the afternoon. Sometimes tired of the bus wresting with other kids , sometimes happy and full of energy on the newly acquired action figure or some heroic story of how I beat someone in the school bus  wresting. Sometimes hiding the oil slick on my shirt caused by the tight Tiffin box , and sometimes the torn pocket , she would let me say my story , decide over it  and tell her verdict , I never lied about anything to her , coz she listened to every word I said , she let me grow .

She was totally against  me fighting with other kids , and would often get upset about it , but I would explain her that it was just a way of testing the righteous owner of the window seat , she would smile and run her fingers through my hair . I wasn't so found of that. I would complain and tell her that I never liked it , on which she would tease me saying “there aren’t girls around here “ , I would blush and try to hide myself in her loose suit  .

I remember making her run behind me for changing the school uniform , going to bed in the same uniform after getting tired , and getting up in different clothes , I still wonder how she used to do that. Probably all that and much more came from her book. Her magic book !

She allowed me to watch t.v till she cooked lunch for us and till I finished it .

Here , I used to play a trick , I would eat slowly , chewing over a thousand times , so that I could finish at least two of my favorite shows . Both of us hated watching news , but it was fun with her , she would comment on the way the news reader dressed up , that her cheeks were red like tomatoes , and that she resembled someone from her neighborhood who was fat and lazy .   

I remember the most funniest jokes being told , by her .

She was fun to be with , and an expert at making friends . She was fun to talk to and even though all her stories had the same characters and would somehow end in pretty much the same way , they were fun to listen to . She used to fill so many details that I used to dream with my eyes wide open , and sleep off in her lap , I remember asking the same questions over and over again and being answered patiently .

Before she came to take care of my sister , she was used to work in a kindergarten , even though she couldn’t read , she knew all the alphabets , mnemonics and all the nursery rhymes , as my sister grew and she began talking in her rickety tone , eating half of the words. She stared singing rhymes which she remembered , to my sister , sometimes we all used to sing together , we had our own choir .

Me , my sister and her , together we could give any choir some serious competition . 

Summer vacations were the time , when we would not see each other for long , we would visit my grandmum in Kerala.  She would bring something for me and my sister to eat from , on the journey .

I never cared for fancy chocolates , I liked the orange candies she used to bring , 8 for 1 coin .

She would bring hundreds of those and give it to me. Ask for a few promises , not to skip any meal of the day , not to fight with anyone and a thousand of other things . She would kiss my sister and me goodbye , and I always wondered why her eyes used to become so wet , I wondered if she was crying , it was tough to tell , and on being asked she would  break into a chuckle and hug me tightly and run her fingers through my hair , but , sometimes I didn’t mind .

Once I heard my mother tell my aunt that ‘she’ didn’t have any children , my mother was wrong , she had children and lots of them , she probably had more children than anyone I knew of .

I always believed , even with a hundred children around her , she would have loved us , the same way .

She saw us grow , soon my sister was old enough to go to the school .

Usually and in fact  on all occasions , children cry on their first day of school , but my sister did not , coz she was there with her whole day , she was there to feed her lunch , to make her friends with .

And my sister in turn introduced her to all her friends , she now had a big lot to take care of , and she did it with all her heart .

I do not remember her last day at our place , but I do remember waiting for her . Those must have been the longest days of my life , our coir was short of a member , I was bereft of a lap to sleep on , there was none to listen to my heroic tales ,absolutely  none to comment on the news reader and none to tease me.

I wouldn’t have minded if she wished to run her fingers through my hair , I only wanted her to come back .

Few years later , she visited us , and the kohl lit eyes were still the same , beautiful and big , the cheeks were pink and plump frilled with a few lines of wrinkles near her eyes  ,  the golden brown hair had strands of gray in them and she was as beautiful as she had ever been , and could give any young girl a run for her money .

She was a mother , to us . She was our maa ….

Wanderlust...

Wanderlust….

People have strange and odd ways of overcoming despair , sadness and boredom . Some find solace with a bottle of Whiskey , a few wise ones choose to read , lucky ones are gifted with sleep , while some keep it inside themselves .Well about me , I travel .

Every place has something to offer , when the air around us changes , we realize how wide and open the world is .

My travel is my journey through life , it my way of reaching the end of the tunnel , its my way of  following the unseen light . People live through hours , days , weeks , months and years , I live through milestones .

Some people often consider me as a coward , they think I am running away from problems , struggle and commitments , but then aren’t we all running away from these ?  don’t we all count days and nights ?

People hang clocks and calendars in their houses , I keep maps and compass in my bag ,

Like you change calendars when an year ends , I change maps when my journey ends , a new map is a celebration of successful completion of a journey and a beginning of a new journey that takes me to the new unseen realms of the earth and the hidden adventures of  life .

My co passengers are my neighbors , we might not get to share a lot of gossip , I might not get an invitation to the celebrations in their house , I may never attend a wedding and never be expected to summon at a funeral , but I do get to taste the food , they serve with warmth and affection , I might not witness the colors of their life , but I do taste the spice of their life , we may never share problems ,but we do share jokes and stories , we share smile and we share laughter . I make friends on my journey , not because I am a friendly person , but because my stay is too short to make enemies , and before I start to fall in love with a place and get bound by the obligation of sharing it , I leave , coz the feeling of falling in love is beyond any other emotion , before I begin to smile without a reason , I remind myself that a hermit lives in solitude and the only way to achieve it is through a constant and unending travel .

As a traveler with limited resources , I prefer eating at small joints , not just because the fancy restraunts are beyond my reach , but because to taste the local cuisine , one has to sit with local people and not with tourist , though the food might not be served in beautiful cutlery , but it surely, is served with a smile.

I have had many ‘on the house’ lunches in my journeys , and this strategy of promoting love and liking towards the people has never failed , unlike a complementary ice cream in a fancy restraunt which fails to promote its name .

They fail to realize , man’s longing for simplicity , affection and warmth .

When a person bids adieu to the world , his wealth is calculated in terms of the friends he made and the smiles he generated , being friends with someone is like opening a savings account for life , the warmth keeps multiplying over the years .

As a traveler , its easy getting cheated for money and loosing possessions to thugs and thieves , but I eventually learned that I was never stripped of the basic requirement for a travel , and that is , the love for the roads , I could become a few coins poor and take a less comfortable bus , but the tiring journey helps me get a sound sleep in the night , and the genuine concern of the people and being helped without being asked leaves me richer.

And I feel contended that my belongings went to a person , who was in greater need of it , than I was , and thank him for reducing the burden hat I ‘ve to carry along myself .

On one of the travels , I became friends with a young kid , we shared our life with each other , I was told how princess meets the prince eventually , why ‘ talking to strangers ‘ was bad , about the mythical creatures that live deep inside the earth , and why eating food was among his less favorite of activities , with his enthusiasm he led the conversation and dominated it too , I did eventually get the chance to speak my part of the story , tired , when he had closed his eyes for the afternoon nap .

I remember being asked by him where I was heading , I told him the name of destination .

“hmm…we are going to nana’s place “, he said , without being asked , and I realized my love for traveling was nothing compared to his , he was so excited that he wouldn’t care if people asked , but he made sure everyone knew it , over the years I ‘ve endeavored to develop the same childlike enthusiasm and my love for travels has grown many times over .

Its never the destination , it’s the journey that allures me , it’s the travel that I live for .

The earth may be round , but the world is flat , and is spread for you , you would never return to the same place in your lifetime .

Many times I missed busses , and waited for endless hours on railway stations , but when you have all the time in the world, such things do not bother you , they just give you and extra hour of relaxation or perhaps a trip to the local market .

Life is pretty similar too , when you loose a bus , take your time off and find something relaxing to do meanwhile instead of pondering over the lost opportunity , in the race of life , its not how quickly you finish ,what matters is, how well you finish .

I might not have an address , but many people know me , I do not belong to a place , but the world belongs to me .

My best friend .

She is a free bird , a free spirit ,

to fall in love with her , you have to set her free,

so that she may show you her flight , which is boundless and beautiful.

My best friend .

All of us are born weeping , and it’s the only occasion when a mother would smile as  her child would cry . I too was born weeping , complaining and hungry , and finding a companion or a friend must have been the least of my worries , not because I didn’t want one , but because before being send to this strange land I was assured by all the heavenly angels that she would be send too . And a few of months later , she was born , weeping ,  complaining and hungry .

I have seen her cry on a couple of occasions . One such occasion happened because of a prank played  by me , while the others were emotional outburst of her care and love for others.

And if I trace back , the funny expressions she makes while crying , the day she was born , it must have been a celebration of liveliness and joviality . And all angels must have dressed up in their finest clothes and the shiniest of wings to celebrate the occasion .

I don’t remember how and when we met each other or who spoke the first word , but I do  know that there has never been a strange moment since then .

I do not know many people , I do not have too many friends , but the ones I have are the ones to whom , I have been able to talk effortlessly , and she happens to be the person to whom , I not just talk effortlessly but also without using my brains . I never have to think of something funny when I talk to her , it comes natural , primarily because I am addicted to her smile and the laugh that has bonded us together  .

Very rarely , do we come across people , who understand our silly jokes and find them as hilarious as , we our self do , and of them , the chances of finding a female in them is as low as finding a sunken treasure in the ocean , its not like its impossible , but its also not like everyone finds it !

She happens to be the one of those sunken treasure I have found , she understands every word as I speak , and even sometimes without being spoken to . She reads my silence so perfectly well . that she sometimes tells me the reason , of my silence .

I would not term myself as a lucky person in life , in general , but I do acknowledge and in fact , even take pride in telling that she is my friend and how much ever you may try being close to her , you might never be able to reach where I have been .

I must have traded all my luck and fortune in heaven , to get her , and that goes without saying , is the best decision I could ever make or have made , it takes a life time to discover someone like her , and another to share the warmth and affection we do .

I remember getting up as early as 4:00 in the morning , riding 7 kms in winters and attending tuitions , not that I was too interested in attending classes or that chemistry was my favorite subject , but because we attended the classes together and it was  my chance of meeting her as early in the day as possible , I never bunked a single class and never turned up late . And those who know me and are reading this page must have raised their eyebrows by now , because they can imagine , me being sent to moon for an expedition by NASA but would not have  ever imagined in their wildest dreams , that I could be punctual and regular to an activity related to academics .

Remembering birthdays is one thing I have not been able to master in my life till now , but I did remember buying something odd and funny on most occasions for her , odd because I always wanted people to look at it with an expression of  amusement and awe , and funny because I was hooked to the smile I remember , which came on her face when she unwrapped the  Homer Simpson shirt I gave to her on one of her birthdays .

Even the most dull and lifeless days were turned into amazingly fun-filled hours when she was around , rains had never been my favorite , till we rode together on the wet and slippery roads of c-scheme looking for an ATM , drenched head to toe .

There were times in my past , when I was down emotionally , and had been sad , I used to call and speak to her , and she knew how to draw the smile back on my face , on other occasions I would cry myself to bed or burry myself in a truck load of sorrow and wait till she called . I remember being dumped by a girl and being told that she didn’t realize what she had lost , she told me that I was way too cool for her and that , she didn’t deserve me , I know much of it was hoax , but I couldn’t help myself being cared for and being told a lie so innocently .

People find her attractive and some of them often make use of the more colloquial term ‘hot’ , but they do not realize , how cool she is , and the attraction is nothing compared to the aura of her inner self  which has not been noticed by many . she is intelligent , independent and can outsmart anyone on any given occasion .

She is a free bird , a free spirit , to fall in love with her , you have to set her free, so that she may show you her flight , which is boundless and beautiful .

Over the years when we were not together , while she was attending her college and I was battling against engineering , it used to think about her , I used to miss her .

Whenever I would meet or talk to a female , deep inside I would draw comparisons between them , and realized no one could fit into the molds she was build in . I would tell stories about her , tell them how cool she was , and how deep our friendship has been .

All the people I ‘ve spoken to as yet , I am sure that , to ninety percent of them I must have made a mention of her and , that I would have spend endless hours telling how cool she is .

As I write this page , there are thousands of  thoughts that occur in my mind and I find myself bound by limited knowledge of words and expressions .

There is a lot I wish to write , a lot I wish to tell .

She has been one of the strongest influences in my life . Sometimes a driving force, sometimes my confidence , sometimes a support and sometimes as a companion , she has always been with me .

 And that friend , fellow people is none , but ‘ Jatan Deora’ .

Batmobil

Childhood is the time when

The sun has a smile , a hut is a perfect house

And a scenery is all about two mountains

with a river flowing in between  and birds flying in the blue sky.

It is simplicity at its very best .  

                                                                  BATMOBIL

It was just me and him left , it is always like this . We are the ones who are chosen in the end , and usually its him who is preferred over me .

“we ll take him “, announced the captain , pointing finger to the guy standing next to me ,

I felt insulted , I looked at the other captain , “fine” he said, “we don’t have a choice”, there was disappointment in his tone , I wondered if I was so bad that my presence in the team was so loathed over .

But I was used to being preferred over others . the guy they choose was younger to me , stammered like a steam engine , could barely communicate in his rickety Hindi , and he was new among us .

So many years of staying and playing together , and someone else , was preferred over me !! , insult was an understatement , I felt betrayed , my presence over the years was questioned .

The 2 hr game added more to it , I was mocked over for my bowling , I was considered the worst batsman , and they preferred me sitting on the bench , than fielding on the ground .

Sometimes while fielding , i would be lost in my own world , I would dream of hitting sixes , diving and taking a catch , hitting wickets with my throws , being applauded for my skills at the game and leading the team after the victory , I used to get so lost in the claps and applauds that the ball would sneak ,  pass and hit the boundary line ,  leaving me as the target to the wrath of my team members .I hated playing with them , but I had no choice .

Kids are often mean to other kids of their group , and they are more mean than adults can be , scars from childhood never heal ,they stay green all throughout your life .

Two hours of game , was more tiring for me than for anyone else , coz I had to run for the ball every time they hit a six .
The ‘ fat one ‘ of the team would boss over me , he would comment on everything , the way I ran , the way I would throw the ball , the way I batted , every single fucking thing . He was elder to me and elder to everyone else , for him I was just a kid who would never question his authority . He used to bully over me emotionally , and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it . The fact that I was youngest of all and wasn’t as physically capable  as he was , never occurred in his mind  . Not that he was great at the game either , he was ‘ popular ‘, coz he had a bagful of silly jokes and comments to throw on people .

After the game was over , I ran straight towards the house , but was called back , “pick these up “ said one of them , “ but … I am getting late “ I said in a whining tone .

“okie “, “then don’t come from tomorrow “ he declared on behalf of everyone else . Once again I was left without a choice . As I uprooted the stumps from the ground , I realized a couple of them had left  already . I took the stumps and started walking towards my home , hoping mum wouldn’t get angry on me for being late , but I knew it was no different there , I was used to being bullied over everywhere .

 “look at your clothes’’, it was my mum , angry and beaming as ever . I was tired , I just wanted t go and sleep , but that was a distant dream , it wasn’t possible till the dinner was served . “ you have no intentions of studying “ , “ your diary is full of remarks from the teachers ”, “ we work so hard to send you to good schools and you don’t even care to finish your homework “ . there was no aberration , all dialogues were the same , I was used to them , I didn’t stop to listen to them all , she didn’t have anything new to complain about .

I washed up , changed my clothes and sat on the study chair , just then I remembered , I had a batman comic book in my school bag , it belonged to one of my friends from school.

Bringing and dealing comic books in school is as good as smuggling gold . You just cant afford to get caught , coz , not just the gold gets confiscated but you have to face detention and punishment , there would be another remark from the teacher on your passport .

You loose another comic book from your collection , primarily given to the dealing party to keep the business going .

I hid the book under the biggest and heftiest course book that I had , and began reading it, cautious , yet hoping not to get caught . I flipped a couple of pages and got lost in the book completely .

I was ROBIN , Gowtham city  was facing another bomb threat from JOKER , BATMAN was instructing me on how I was supposed to evacuate the residents of the building , but I wanted to do something more adventurous and heroic , I wanted to use the high power laser weapons and wanted to drive the ‘BATMOBIL’ .

“Is this what they are teaching in school these days ? ?  “ in came the shrill voice , and before I could realize my ear was  already being twisted and turned , as if she was finding some radio channel for me to cry on !

Damn , I didn’t realize the amidst  the adventure with BATMAN , the comic book had exposed itself completely , and I was caught red-handed by my mother .

“ come and have dinner , daddy is waiting for you “ she informed in a less strict tone after she was done wit my ear .

“he was reading comic books again “ , she stared filling my dad’s ear even before I sat to dine , “ gawd knows what I ‘ll do with him “ she said , I wondered to whom it was addressed , was she talking to dad , me or herself !

I looked at my dad , he gave me a smile and winked , we are good friends , he doesn’t mind spoiling me .

I finished my dinner in a hurry so that I could finish the story , but , it wasn;t there , she had taken it already . The smuggled gold had been confiscated ! disappointed I turned off the lights of my room and pulled the quilt over my face and closed my eyes.

“ROBIN” , “get me outa  here “, it was batman and I was driving him out of Gowtham , I was driving his BATMOBIL..

all abt us .....

                                               We are KICK ASS ! !

As I begin this page , I know I ve a lot to say and I also realize that how much ever I write , I would never be able to tell it all , coz it’s a tale that  started the beginning of something epic , and will go on till the last one of us is alive (and I hope it wouldn’t be me .)

As I take this opportunity to give a brief introduction of each and every person in the hostel group , I wish to state clearly , that even though I had my favorites and lesser favorites in the group , and at certain points there was a clash between all of us , I have always believed that together we were KICKASS ! ! , there was probably nothing we couldn’t do and nothing we haven’t done ! ! !

We all had unique nick names , it wasn’t the lack of respect for one another , but the comfort and warmth we shared with each other , we took each other for granted and took liberties without asking , it was no big of a deal ! , sometimes which got us into strange situations.

Our names portrayed our love for animals , reptiles , undergarment brands ! , villains from hindu epics ,  commercial sex workers ! ! parts on human body ! ! and common names by which waiters and kids are called ! !

Clashes of ego and pride have always resolved over a bottle of whiskey , (or rum, when we were broke!) , dinner table was never about food , but sleazy jokes , roasting each other in public , and hell lot of gossip ! ! (trust me we did that too..and I am not ashamed ! !.).

A special mention to our bar and pub ,

There were times when we were broke , and times when it rained money , in both circumstances , we celebrated , sometimes with Old monk , and sometimes with towers and pitchers of ultra chilled beer , sometimes it was Eric Klaypton and Hetfeild who greeted us , some times it was the ‘ junior guru’ (the waiter from Mayuri , who later became our friend ! ! )

There were women we liked , some of which were like d by all of us , some of which were dated by a few lucky and talented ones among us , while others just remained confined to our ‘Dirty Talks’. We all dated some one or the other , duration ranging from a couple of hours  to  lengthy stretch of days and months altogether , there were twins , models (that’s what we were told ! ! ) , foreigners , (though they don look like that ! ! ) , airhostesses , pilots , architects , engineers , sports women , school children (ya !! , and I still tease him with that !!) and a gay (out of accident, wasn’t even a date !) .

We all had a good appetite for music it ranged from thrash metal , gothic , hard rock , alternative rock , experimental rock , Altaf raja , A R Rehmaan , don know what all !

If it sounded good , or funny , or even different for that matter it topped our chart busters list , it was there on the ipod which was pretty much a public property ! .
We had a band called LEGACY , we had some great composers and music lovers ! ! i am proud of that ! 

We even went on the verge of listening Bhojpuri rock ! (all thanx to Anand Abhinav ) ,

Malayalam rock ( I liked it ! !) , and ‘GHINKEY MARINA’ (still figuring out , which sonofabitch brought that up !) .

Movies were a group activity . a laptop on the table , and 6-8 people struggling for space on a bed , there were people who had to be explained every  scene , and others who had their phones ringing all the time . There were people who would fight for space on the bed and would doze off in the initial 15mins while others had to   sit on one ass cheek to watch the movie till the end .

A movie marathon was something only we were capable of , it requires stamina and hard work which can only be developed by a dedication of staying away from books and studies , that it was not in everyone’s ability . Together we had ‘sacrificed ‘ our positions in class , so that lesser minds could  nurish , grow and dwell ! !!

All movie marathons were followed by discussions over the story line , direction , casting etc . and  everyone would explain his version of understanding , though we watched the same movies , everyone had a different angle to it , and strange that  everyone related it to the rest of the scenes so well that it was easy getting fooled ! !

We all gave something to each other , everyone contributed as an individual , and we all absorbed something from each other , some of us taught guitar , some taught basket ball , some introduced new genre of music , some introduced booze , some cigarette , some contributed love for food , some contributed love for traveling to new places , some contributed spiritually and rudimentary knowledge of god !

In a way we all spoiled each other and we helped each other develop each other as individuals . we were the sharp minds which refused to bent down to syllabus and exams. We looked at the bigger picture ! !

We threw our weight on people , but never intended to hurt someone , we were friendly if you didn't cross our roads , we could resolve any issue over a smile , all you needed was a good sense of humor .
We hit people and had fights , i would only blame it on the anger , we fought because we were angry not because of animosity , we didn't hold anything against anyone.

 In one of the fights we , we belted a group of guys (we aren't proud of it ) , everyone threw punches and kicks , (not me! i was sleeping in my room) , we were called and given a lecture by a senior , which later turned into an attitude throwing competition !! , (i took charge ! ) , we were not the one's who could be bullied over ! (we crashed him up and down ) , that day as i spoke for my friends , i had them standing behind me , they had my back , they were the energy and they were the ones who wouldn't 've cared to take arms again , if it was needed . such strong were the ties ! ! we were all brothers ! !

There were certain games and outdoor sports we played a lot , basket ball and cricket , basket ball was a regular activity , passion for some , fun for rest !

But it wasn the same for cricket , we had a typical team with typical players , some of which would throw the ball 35 times on the pitch to complete an over ( that too the 1^st one of the innings !) , some who found pitch distorted and threw the ball off it ! a captain who was never cared or listed for , a batsman who knew practically nothing more than a sweep shot , one with an amazing stance but had never touched a ball in his career !

We played many matches , and won one of them , we celebrated the victory in Mayuri , else too , we could ve done the same thing ! !

There are many other things I wish to write , many things I ve missed here and there , Maggie that we cooked , getting caught by the warden for ragging ,  bursting crackers in balcony and getting caught for that , our immense ‘love’ for west-bengal , the ride on the bikes , the fight for an extra samosa , cheta shop , ahh….

I do not know if I ve mentioned ur name in this page , but trust me there doesn’t go by a day when I laugh myself to tears , and realize that one the most memorable days are now history , I do not know weather we will meet each other again or not , but trust me , we definitely were KICK ASS ! ! !  

running away..

I looked out of the window , it was still dark outside . I put my shoes on and pulled the laces with all the strength hoping they would not get loosened on the way , and I wouldn’t ‘ve to tie them again .

I looked in the mirror , i could see him ,  he looked angry . I took my watch and hooked it on my wrist , still looking at the mirror I said something unpleasant to him , I could see the anger growing on his face , he pointed a finger on me , narrowed his eyes , stared for a moment and turned his back on me .

The small stone which was enjoying it morning sleep was set rolling on the road by my furious kick , as it rolled on the road it called out abuses on me , went straight the alley , hit a tree bark and lay there , it was still staring at me when I went by , its expressions were as cold as itself .

I had reached the main road , the road was wet and slippery , the yellow lights of the lamp posts were making them look more dull and lifeless , there wasn’t a soul on the road , I was early today .

I started with small steps , there was no rhythm in my steps , my mind was preoccupied with what had happened last night , it was the last straw .

“ I have bad news for you “ , there was silence on the phone , may be he expected me to say something , “ why don you come down tomorrow , I ll explain the legal procedures”

“ you there ? “ he asked in un unsure tone . It was my attorney . “ ya  ,  I ll see you tomorrow “ ,  I mummered ,  and kept the phone . 

The sweat had started rolling down the sides of my head , I was running hard now , I wanted to run harder , hard enough that my muscles could tear open , inflicting pain in every nerve inside me . Sometimes self inflicted pain serves as proxy to other problems , it takes your mind off the shackles .   

“ NO ! !  we cant  and I cant take it any longer “ she said , loud enough to get us the unwanted attention , I tried to steal my eyes from  the ‘elegant ’ and ‘sophisticated ‘ crowd , held her finger and said “ don’t do this to me , you know I wont cheat on you “ ,

but I was late , she had made up her mind , she slid her fingers off my hand , and left ,

while I sat there , repenting , angry , exhaust , sad .

I was running harder than before , and my lungs were wearing out , the cigarettes that kept me awake all night focused on my work were taking their tolls , I wanted to burn out all the nicotine and tar that I had accumulated in myself over the last year , I was not going  to give up so soon .

“ not a penny more than my previous offer “, “ take it or leave it “ . it wasn’t good enough to cover any expenses , but it was the best I was offered  , I handed him the keys with a heavy heart and  hidden anger , ‘ people just eat you away ‘, ‘ they are scavengers , always on the lookout for carrion ‘.

My prized possession was history now , I watched him drive it out , and he was gone , I was left with a cheque and  the roar of  the beast he throttled the envy of my neighbors  . The roar was going to haunt many nights to come  , I though as I made my way to the door.

Drenched in my sweat head to toe , I was still running , slower now , my breath had worn out . I was panting heavily , my heart pounding inside me , it was ready to explode , it felt like it would tear open my chest and come out to breath . I felt miserable and I wanted to cry out  loud , felt like  even my body had betrayed me .

Life is a game of snakes and ladders , roll your dice . A good roll takes you up the numbers and a bad one leaves you right where u started . You would never find a ladder and snake on the same line except the last row , I was bitten on the last roll , I had lost all I had and all I had worked for  .

I wished I could have run hard enough to run into some parallel matrix  or could evaporate into fumes and depart from the world , but I was still there .

I sat by the road , on the pavement ,  head looking down , between the knees .

 The sun had come out , beaming through the leaves , I looked up , let out a deep breath of  sigh .

**cont. as the beautiful death. **

the beautiful death ....

No one has ever described the beauty of death ,

Coz its beautiful , and  no one will share it .

It is so beautiful , that if you experience it

and still live after that , you wouldn’t be ‘alive’  .

The Beautiful death ….

Standing on the edge of the cliff I gazed at the enormousness of the sea , the blue water  extended to infinity , the clouds made some strange and some familiar  patterns , a few of them looked like sheeps , grazing on the skied blue grass .The clean sand of  beach glittered like gold and the tall coconut palms growing by the sides , majestically swaying with the winds , still waiving hands to the ship that had passed centuries back  .

The sun was hiding behind a cloud , like a kid would ,  behind its mother , when a stranger comes to visit  . It would peep once and then hide again still unsure of the stranger .
He felt safe behind the clouds , I felt , today , it was me who scared him , for him , I was the stranger visiting his heavenly abode ..

The frequency of the waves on the rocks pictured their  love for each other , the waves and rocks had their own fights , like a couple fighting in love , wherein an old man stands stubbornly with folded hands bearing the wrath of his old lady , bearing all the words she throws on him , he stands , and looks more determined with every clash , with time he has learned , she will calm down and come  smiling to him again .

The open sea looked calm inside , seemed like it was the part , that had seen life , its experience stopped  from rushing into things , it had developed the ability to wait , it had patience , but the shore was different , it was still a kid , it wanted to run to every thing it would see , like a small child who would run into strange things hoping cotton candies ,  pick up anything out of its curiosity , and try to taste it , and the calm inside of the sea watched  the shore and its puny games , smiling yet careful , like a father would , to his child .

The grass and weed i stood on , made me feel so comfortable , that I had closed my eyes , I had lost the reason why I had climbed all the way to the top , the breeze that was flowing on the top of the cliff carried the aroma of the sea and of the forest that stood behind me .

It was a sight , it was the best thing i could have ever witnessed , everything else would seem drab after this sight , I realized HE wanted me to see something beautiful before I bid adieu to myself.

I opened my eyes , I had absorbed all the beauty inside me , all that HE wanted to offer me .

There was a part of me that was constantly asking me to return back , but I didn’t want   to , I wanted to end it..and this was the perfect way to end my not so perfect life .

The picture had changed drastically now ,

I realized the sun wasn’t hiding coz it was scared of me ……. it was scared of what it was about  to witness , it was hiding behind the cloud coz it didn’t want to see  , what was about to happen.

The waves on the shores were not curious . They were restless for me , they wanted me to rethink  , they were restless coz they wanted to tell something .

The sea inside wasn’t  calm ,it was sad , coz it knew it would not be able to tell what it wanted to , it had seen others do the same before , it was sad it couldn’t close its eyes .

The rocks stood there coz they wanted to protect me ,  they wanted to catch me , when I fall and the waves that hit  , only wanted to make the rocks softer with every blow , they were all trying their best to keep me alive , they knew everything gets better with time , they wanted to tell me that …….

I closed my eyes again , opened up my arms  like a bird ready to fly  , lift myself off the cliff , and let myself fall into the depths .

I was in the air , I could fell every moment , I was flying like a bird , gliding like a leaf that parts off a tree , I was smiling , the birds had joined me , smiling at me , they followed my flight , they had forgotten their first flight , but I had helped them relive it again .

the sun had come out of the clouds , the rocks were looking up , the waves had slowed down , the water in the sea glittered with a smile .

Its was pretty much the same excitement when i had learned to ride a bicycle, first time without any support , that smallest of distance had become an achievement , i had fallen after some tireless peddling , but i remember getting up with a smiling face , full of joy inside , as if  i  wasn't  riding a cycle , but , gliding in the free air .

The air below me was trying to push me up , it wanted me to fly , I realized nature is so kind hearted , so beautiful and so caring that it is not bound by any law , it just does what it wants

.

The air was trying to raise me , for a moment , I felt I was raised , but that moment was short lived , only the air pushing me could ‘ve felt it .

My heart had started pounding faster and faster , pretty much , in the same way when we have nightmares , only here , I was not going to get up , i was nearing the rocks , the moment was about to end .

I wanted a happy ending , I wanted a beautiful death , I wanted to welcome my death like no one had before , i wanted to surprise it with my love that i shared for her , i wanted to meet her with  bravery not scared and crying .

So , I closed my eyes , I kept them closed for a couple of moments …….. till they opened painlessly and without effort ………… till they opened on their own again .